Candidates bring unique ideas to the ‘party’

Things are getting a little edgy around here as the election gets closer.

Miami County has gone Republican in presidential elections pretty much since the beginning of time except for a few exceptions. But Donald Trump makes even Republicans nervous. Still, a lot of people around here just can’t force themselves to vote for someone with a (D) next to his or her name.

So as a public service, today I present some of this year’s more interesting third party candidates for your consideration. A note of warning: a lot of these people didn’t qualify to get on the Ohio ballot. You’ll just have to write them in.

Hold on, here we go:

• Howie Hawkins, Various Parties. Howie is a former UPS truck packer who has a long history of Green Party activism. He is the nominee for the Green Party and the Socialist Party this year. Two parties at once! He has a clever little H20 campaign symbol (Get it? 2 H’s in ‘20). I know, a socialist has zero chance of getting any votes in this part of Ohio, but it would be kind of interesting to have a president named Howie.

• Gary Swing, Boiling Frog Party. Yes, Boiling Frogs! This refers to the famous story about putting a frog in water and slowly turning up the temperature. The frog won’t notice until he’s boiled frog’s legs. Gary thinks we’re overpopulated and we should all just stop having babies for a while to let the Earth catch up.

• Bill Hammons, Unity Party. Bill is anti-tax, pro-space and wants the voting age lowered to 16. He also thinks we ought to rename Columbus Day to Discovery Day.

• Jerome Segal, Bread and Roses Party. Stop and smell the roses! Jerome is a self-described utopian who wants to “level the pyramid” and create equality across society while taking time to have some fun in the process.

• Clifton Roberts, Humane Party. Clifton and his friends are for legal rights and “personhood” for all animals. He will get my cat’s vote.

• David Limbaugh, No Party. David is quick to let you know he is not Rush Limbaugh’s brother. He is a Murfreesboro, TN, high school teacher who wants to fix taxes, health care, the VA system — well, fix just about everything, actually. More power to him.

• Da Vid, Light Party. One of my favorites, mainly because anyone who goes by “Da Vid” has to be cool. I would tell you about his plans, except it appears I have to have my level of consciousness raised about seven levels before I can understand them. They have to do with Gaia and the living matrix and enlightenment.

• Brian Carroll, Solidarity Party. The Solidarity Party pretty much is the American equivalent of European Christian Democratic parties, favoring distributism over global capitalism. The way I understand it, distributism is somewhere between capitalism and state socialism, with lots of things being owned by lots of people together. I think it’s kind of like the Bread and Roses Party but less fun.

• Kanye West, Birthday Party. Yes, it really is that Kanye West. It’s called the Birthday Party because he says when he wins it will be like everyone’s birthday. I hope he buys me presents.

• Phil Collins, Prohibition Party. No, not that Phil Collins. Phil is actually the third Prohibition candidate for 2020 — one bailed out and one got sick. The Prohibition Party has been around since the 19th century, but I think it’s safe to say Phil will not get many votes.

• Vermin Supreme. Well, this guy is hard to explain. He’s a performance artist who goes around wearing a big boot on his head. You might describe him as “anarchy can be fun.” His campaign promise is ponies for everyone, which sounds great, although it may create a massive pony waste disposal problem, something he probably hasn’t considered — although being for anarchy, why would he?

Before you say anything about me picking out just the unusual third party candidates, let me tell you something — all third candidates are unusual. You have to be a little strange to run for president. Besides, the major parties have nominated a 78-year-old guy who sometimes seems to forget what he’s talking about and a guy with an ego the size of Greenland who often says things that no one can decipher. You call that normal?

Maybe we should all just close our eyes and hope for the best — and smell those roses along the way.