What if DeWhiners Zoomboom from Maskitis

I have discovered that as I get older I have to work harder to pay attention to what people around me are saying. They always are coming up with new words, and if I’m not careful I’ll end up losing track of what’s going on.

I ran across a few of those words last week. The first one was super derecho. I guess if you’re a weather expert, you know all about this. I saw it in a story describing the big storm that hit the Midwest. So I looked it up: it’s a “widespread, long-lived, straight-line wind storm that is associated with a fast-moving group of severe thunderstorms known as a mesoscale convective system.” It took me a while, but I figured out it’s what we used to call a “big thunderstorm.”

Then there are neck gaiters. This is not some kind of medieval torture device, but a kind of scarf you wear that you can pull up over your face. Formerly popular primarily with bank robbers and terrorists, it has become a kind of hip fashion accessory, especially during the pandemic because people are using them for masks.

With those words in mind, I thought I would introduce you to some recent terms you should know. You might not have heard of these, mainly because I am making most of them up on the fly:

Maskitis. A modern psychological disease that makes its victims believe that wearing a mask somehow takes away their life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Sufferers often are prone to wild outbursts and long, illogical diatribes.

Coronaphobia. The overwhelming fear of catching Covent 19, as in, “Man, he must have coronaphobia, he locked himself in the bathroom in April and we haven’t seen him since.” Sufferers often are prone to wild outbursts and long, illogical diatribes.

DeWhiner. A person who continually complains about how Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine is handling the current pandemic. DeWhiners often also suffer from extreme cases of maskitis.

Buckeyeopia. Extreme depression brought on by no Saturdays with Ohio State football. No football might not be a big thing in Indiana or Illinois, and in Michigan they’re breathing a sigh of relief, but in Ohio no Buckeye game is slightly worse than Armageddon.

Trumpelosi. Actually an ancient word only recently rediscovered by archaeologists working in the mountains of Greece. The Trumpelosi was the most feared of all ancient mythological beasts. Two-headed, half man and half woman, it was willing to destroy all around it rather than admit it might be wrong. The beast was known for throwing around insults like Zeus hurled lightning bolts and for its ability to bring Greek civilization to a standstill. The ancient world was saved only when the creature’s two personalities realized they actually acted the same. The Trumpelosi destroyed itself rather than live with the shame. The word still is used in some remote sections of Greece to describe something that is too outlandish to be believed.

Zoomboom. Used to describe when your head explodes because you’ve been involved in way too many meetings using online meeting rooms. A similar malady is called Googlecoma.

Momsickle. The frozen stare in mothers’ eyes after their children were sent home from school this spring, resulting in parents being forced to take part in the on-line learning process while being cooped up inside with their children 24 hours a day. If the kids don’t go back to school this fall, it is feared many mothers will turn into Momzombies.

There you have it … you should now have no trouble keeping up with latest terms unless, of course, you’re a Momsickle suffering from Zoomboom. In that case, I recommend finding the nearest super derecho and letting nature take its course.